Plan B is the new Plan A
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
