just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
