I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
