I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's blow job season.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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