i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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