i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
