you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
