I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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