He told me they were just razor bumps!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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