we have pet lesbian snakes
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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