Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.

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(301): I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you. http://tfl.nu/0isu

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

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(519): I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke http://tfl.nu/3o1y

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(214): View more from Texas

so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina

(214): View more from Texas

i got awkward and finally asked him what he said

(214): View more from Texas

he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it

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(214): so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina (214): i got awkward and finally asked him what he said (214): he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it http://tfl.nu/s46y

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

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(201): i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around http://tfl.nu/2geo

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one

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(412): u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one http://tfl.nu/rgs7

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(206): View more from Washington

She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.

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(206): She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy. http://tfl.nu/ixzo

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(901): as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air" http://tfl.nu/6w47

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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(318): What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway? http://tfl.nu/w9j3

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(864): Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you. http://tfl.nu/wybw

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this

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(406): I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this http://tfl.nu/2qka

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.

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(608): Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple. http://tfl.nu/2rha

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.

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(843): Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck. http://tfl.nu/fj8t

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.

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(678): I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor. http://tfl.nu/habo

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.

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(715): The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots. http://tfl.nu/aoap

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days

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(604): Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days (1-604): Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days http://tfl.nu/vv75

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