i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The Olympian is in my bed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
