I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
