So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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