sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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