At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
