I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
