Swine flu. Run for my life!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
