tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
