I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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