is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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