party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
