i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
