I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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