I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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