Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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