"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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