i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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