I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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