You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
