goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
