hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
