I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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