WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
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I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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