things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I touched a dick in church today
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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