Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
