pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
