How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
