She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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