the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
