life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
