Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Someone shit on the floor
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
