Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
