i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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