Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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