Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
