So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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