Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
