She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
