Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
