Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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