When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
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Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.