Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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