I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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