I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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