____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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