I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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