Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
